CAFE RELOCATED!!!

This is now the Summit Ave Cafe, after a few weeks/months of disasterous roommate issues. I don't know if anyone reads my blog who knows me, but if they do they might be scandalized to read the horrible truths of the situation. All I want to do is crush every bit of dignity and smug self-confidence sneering pride out of those two women I used to live with, but I MUST hold back and not respond with hatred and venom. Otherwise, I am a victim of their twisted thinking and I want to come out of this situation whole. I am a nice person. I am free of their psychotic alternate universe.

FREE!

I now live with two guys who stay in their own rooms and literally never come out, so it's basically living alone. My best friend #1 lives 2 blocks away and it's glorious; we get to see each other all the time!

(Sidenote: Why do I think my life is boring? If there's no major earth-shattering life change occurring, I think I am a boring person. I am NOT boring!!! I perhaps just need to reflect on this concept instead of trusting my gut feeling, which says that I definitely am boring. Hm.)

Anywaaaaay.

Oh, so much has happened on the Guy Front. And by "Front" I mean the lines of battle where males meet females, and proceed to either fraternize with the enemy or destroy each other's hearts and lives. I have camped out just behind the Ridge of Unrequited Love and prefer only to use my weapons of Risk-Free Flirting with Occupied Men. It has a terrible kickback, though, and I keep getting bruised. I wish I could be stationed at Impending Romance Island, but it seems like only the top %1 of soldiers get sent there, and I bet they cashed in a favor or something. I have no friends in high places.

First, there's this guy at work. My main job, by the way, not the part-time one. Let's call him... Hoss. That's right. Hoss Cartwright, as in some character from Dallas or Bonanza or whatever show I never watched but which has a character my mother hopes that I find and marry in real life somehow. He's smart and funny and awesome and we hit it off really well and I have been asked by at least 5 people now whether or not I have a crush on him. He is not being asked, of course, because he ahs a girlfriend and should be off-limits.

I was even called a Home-wrecker by the office Angela. I guess Hoss would be Pam if this were the Office, and I would be Jim. Damn it. I always have to be a guy. I will never get to be Pam. We hang out all the time and I feel real physical pain every time he mentions something sweet he's done for his girlfriend. Arg. I need to chill about this guy. He's gonna marry his girlfriend, I need to give it up.

(Scene from the Office, "Booze Cruise":
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married. Never give up. Never, ever, ever give up.)

Yeah, right. This is not a television show. Unless the title of the show is How to Die Single.

Anyway, we just have fun and I try not to wish he'd break up with his girlfriend, because I am NOT A HOME-WRECKER!!!

Secondly, there's this guy at work; the cafe, not the full-time job. Ben, we'll say. He's MARRIED and yet I can't seem to stop thinking about him. He's so wonderful, I almost can't believe it. However, I did have a breakthrough on Monday when I went to Bingo at the VFW with him and a girl we work with who is awesome and his wife, and it was fun seeing the two of them together because they do really love each other and I feel okay backing off after seeing that. So, good.

Thirdly, there's another guy at work: Paul, I'll call him. Recently divorced? I think so. Bad idea? Obviously. Way older than me? Sure. Inadvisable in every possible way? Definitely. And yet... he's so frickin hot. I can't even stand it. Praise the Lord that he shaved his beard into a very cheesy and unseemly handlebar moustache. Otherwise I would probably start melting whenever he walks by and Cartwright already makes fun of me about him anyway.

I have PROBLEMS. That's clear. How can I be so distinctly attracted to so many guys at once who are all so different. Cartwright is the only one I could see myself marrying, as he is a Christian and pretty much awesome in every way and also helped me through the whole psycho roommate situation so I came out more dignified and sane than I ever would have alone. He actually HELPED me. I feel like I NEED him. F. FFFFF. That's my new favorite pseudo-curse, by the way.

I think I will just lust after Shawn Spencer of the television show "Psych," who cannot reject me because he is not real.

Also have not heard back from any grad schools, which is driving me insane.

I have gained 15 lbs in the last 6 months working here, which raises me to new heights of disgustingness and is an obvious contributor to my singlehood, though there's no shortage of inappropriately-aged and -lifestyled men chasing after me in several capacities, which is annoying but good for my self-esteem. I am trying to join a study at the U where I get paid to exercise 5 times/wk for 4 months and a free gym membership, which would be beyond awesome. I keep telling myself, tomorrow I'll start really losing weight. And then I eat an entire bag of goldfish and half aToblerone. I suck. I will never lose weight... unless perhaps someone pays me. Ha ha, everyone wins!

The Peace Corps loved me, of course. So if I don't get into grad school I will at least have a plan. And if I have a few months before I leave for my assignment I can move back to Colorado and be with my mom and sissies before I go ex-pat and that would be wonderful! Within the space of 1 week last month:

-I moved due to psycho roommates who made life hell
-my little sis dropped out of college
-my older sis got fired

Yikes, hard week for the Three Musketeers. I want to fly back and see them really badly, but remember that whole poverty thing? Right, credit card debt is not part of my 5-year life plan.

But eating home-made pad thai with my bff IS part of my plan, a very large part, in fact. So I must go. But it was nice writing and I will try to remember to write more later.

I could explain in detail: the drama of my small group Bible study; my best friend's impending wedding and my Maid of Honor status; my joining of a band (???); my cooking endeavors; my failed craigslist dating attempt #2. See? See? I'm not a boring ugly fat person! I'm, well, we shall see...